Saturday, July 4, 2009

Violence Jack Hell's Wind

First of I’d like to say that I was stunned that there is a sequel. I mean the previous one was a retarded piece of shit, so why bother with another movie? Don’t they have something better to do? Like make something worthwhile and enter a new age of anime? For me it seems like the late ’80 were the dark ages of Japanese animation cause a lot of retarded shit I’ll review (for which I think I’ll open a special category) comes from that period. Well, whatever, maybe I’ll talk history another time, but now on-topic.
At first it seems like a bit less stupid. It still has a lot of gore and mindless violence, just like Violence Jack Evil Town did, but at least they turned down the rape level. It starts with a pointless car chase, these Hell’s Wind (which sounds funny when they pronounce it) bikers chase a couple in their car, capture them and horribly kill the guy and rape, but leave alive the girl. I’m guessing they showed us this because the girl will play an important part later on, but I didn’t get my hopes high. So after that, the story takes us to a small town and specifically the school there. Obviously, the teacher there is hot and cute and all the children love her and there is one in particular that vows to protect her. This kid is the one the story focuses on a lot. So he goes and makes a little bow and in the meantime you see a scene of a woman that looks like Rambo, the only difference is that she has tits (and big ones obviously). I don’t know why but she is training half naked. And she is a remarkable bowman (or bowwoman I guess). But… where is Jack? You show me this movie for like 16 minutes so where is he? Isn’t this his movie? Well as this commando chick is training you see a brief scene with him in which she sees him, freaks out and hides and for no reason his eyes glow. What’s the deal with his eyes? They glow an awful lot, so is he morphing, what is going on? These eye glows serve no purpose. Actually most of the things he does serve no purpose. So now we change back to that town and we see Hell’s Wind come by and destroy the town, kill and rape. Now this kid comes out with his pathetic bow that, again, serves no purpose and he hears his teacher’s voice. She was tied to a tree and some guy with a knife starts cutting her clothes off. And not until that guy reaches her underwear that commando chick attacks them. Turn out she has explosive arrows. Ok…that’s fucking lucky. So the leader calls for a swift and general retreat so they show you everybody that were at the tree get on the bikes and flee. What puzzles me is that this chick kills dozens, yet their numbers only grow. It’s like they re-spawn, it’s weird. Some guys stay behind to cover the leaders retreat. And finally the leader meets Jack. So at first a couple of thugs rush in to kill him, but they fail, of course. Then the leader puts a grenade on some guy’s crotch and that guy stays for like a lot of seconds which is weird because the grenade should explode after 3 or 5 seconds, yet that only happened when the guy rushed on Jack. What a fucking coincidence. And of course the grenade didn’t work so they start unloading every bit of ammunition on him. Now, it’s becoming retarded. It reaches that level of what-the-fuck-is-going-on-should-I-go-and-have-a-shit-and-watch-it-later moments. I mean he makes NO efforts to dodge these bullets or at least to rush on these guys. It’s like he doesn’t give a shit. So in the meantime the kid who promised to protect his teacher and miserably failed comes by for no reason. I guess failing once, just isn't enough for him. It’s not like he would’ve stopped these guys so why did he come, and more importantly how did this little kid catch up with these guys ON FOOT. Yeah, he has no bike, and I’m guessing a little kid’s average speed is… is…is very slow. So how did he arrive in such a short time? So he sees Jack, and Jack becomes very happy that somebody gets to see him being gunned down. It’s like some people want to be seen when they are having sex, only this is more sick and twisted. He also has the strength to tell the kid to, I quote ,,Burn this image on to his eyes”. Well images are burned on the retina, but I’m guessing I’m asking for too much, to expect these complicated things to be known by this guy. I’m surprised he has the time to waste talking to this kid instead of doing something useful. But I think the movie would’ve been to fucking short, so… let’s accept the fact that the guy who withstood a grenade can’t withstand a barrage of bullets. So finally he falls down and those assholes continue their journey, and just then, that commando chick catches up. She sees Jack, rushes over and asks a very, very stupid question (why would she bother with an intelligent question). She asks ,,How did you get hurt?”. I’m like ,,Bitch, are you serious? Well let’s analyze the scene: big-ass bullet hole and a lot of blood coming out of them, I’m guessing… yeah it’s a verdict – he was tickled to death”. So they take him back to town and… how the fuck did they pick h… no I’m not bothering thinking too much on this. So they bandage him and I think they didn’t take out the bullets, that would be asking for too much, and suddenly the kid says ,,I have to save my teacher”. Ok…so she was kidnapped? Remember the general retreat, and how EVERYBODY got on their bikes and ran? Well turns out some unknown person had the courage to disobey the order, untie her, grab her, carry her on his bike and NOT get shot by the commando chick, and get to be seen by us. So the commando chick goes to their base and the kid brings leftover weapons for the villagers to go after them, to retaliate. But of course everybody here is a pussy, so they don’t go. And after all this drama, Jack, who was awake all this time says ,,I’ll go”. Why didn’t he say that from the beginning and spare us all this useless drama? The kid points out that he is too hurt to make a difference, and what if the fucking bandits use a magnet? He'll be fucked because of all the bullets he is carrying around with him. But he replies ,,Even if I’m Violence Jack?”. Now how cocky can this guy get? He expects for everyone to know him? But of course that’s what happens, cause everybody shit their pants when they heard this. Weren’t they convinced that he is Jack, or at least just as good from the fact that he is bigger than their houses and survived that barrage of bullets? Well now they put Jack on a truck and they go rescue the teacher. Then we see their base. The front gate is guarded by some thugs and… while I’m talking about these thugs, I want to point out that it can’t get more stereotypical than this. I know they are supposed to be cruel and barbaric Neanderthals but can’t they have a little bit more class? Seriously, it’s like they are so stupid they are like ,,Duhhhhh” and one of them says ,,That chick gives me a boner” then everybody laughs like it’s the best stand-up ever. So the commando chick comes but she gets captured, and they tie her. Some guy with a knife starts making little scars, but then a big-ass knife flies through his head and everybody say that this is Jacks knife. So the knife flies from behind then… WHY AFTER 3 SECONDS JACK COMES FROM THAT GUYS LEFT SIDE? And more importantly why does he come out of the ground? To look melodramatic? And how did he throw the knife then? So he starts killing these guys with ease, and I don’t know why they don’t shoot him like before, but a guy takes out a Stinger Missile Launcher and fires at Jack which sends him flying into a big airplane that has a lot of fuel. So not only does he withstand the missile but he also withstands the explosion, so… how come he was bothered by some fucking bullets. Well, anyway, he kills everybody, rescues both the teacher and the commando chick and then he goes his way and the women go with the kid. Jack makes some remark that the kid will grow into a fine hero of the land and that they will meet again as friends. As they depart the kid salutes Jack like he can perceive it and… oh my God, Jack actually senses it and smiles? This is one fucking coincidence or maybe Jack is a telepath, but this is sooooo cheesy.
So the movie finally ends but it ends like there is going to be a sequel. Well there isn’t and I thank God for that. I can’t imagine anything past this movie, which is the final, and it was released in 1990. So please don’t bother with it and rely a bit on my review. The only thing that bothers me is that there are people out there that liked it so much that they put amvs with this movie. Well don’t expect such things from me, it isn’t even worth my effort.

1 comment:

Animenerdz said...

great review..roflmao xD