Thursday, July 9, 2009

Violence Jack Harem Bomber

Now it’s time to conclude the Violence Jack movie reviews. This isn’t actually a movie, more like an OVA, but in most cases it’s considered to be a movie, so whatever. Although I’m reviewing this one last, it’s actually the first. It came out in 1986 and this is actually Violence Jack 1. Up until now I should have numbered the first 2 reviews like in most sources, but let me explain why this isn’t my fucking fault but theirs. In terms of release, yeah this is the first movie, but in terms of storyline this is the third. So this one was released, but then they considered doing a prequel and the third is a sequel to the prequel. Well if the second is a prequel then why in the holy mother of fuck did they name that shit Violence Jack 2!!! Yeah, if they name it 2 then you think it’s a sequel, cause 2 is the continuation of 1. 2 follows 1. That’s basic math. Well they threw even that out of their sick minds. What they should’ve done is name the second ,,Violence Jack The Beginning” cause that’s what it is. He was dug out 6 months after the earthquake, which means that was the beginning of his journey. Or if they really wanted to number it, they should’ve named the second movie ,,Violence Jack -1 (minus)”. Yeah it would’ve been stupid, but at least it would’ve made sense. At least 3 follows 2, cause if 3 would’ve been a prequel to the prequel then it would’ve been a more fuck up than the actual movie. Well, whatever… we can make hundreds of theories but let’s concentrate on this movie (or OVA).

In many sources you will find 2 different names: Violence Jack Harem Bomber and Violence Jack Harlem Bomber. Harlem Bomber? Why would anyone want to bomb Harlem? And what does Harlem have to do with anything? Isn’t Harlem in Manhattan? Did the earthquake move Harlem in Japan? I don’t know, I don’t have a fucking clue what they were thinking when they named the second title. The first one makes more sense. Harem Bomber. Hmmmm…Bomber…does Bin Laden have anything to do with it? Is Jack from Al Qaeda? And why Bomber, nobody actually blows anything here. The title makes no sense. So the story begin with a narrator explaining how the Earth came to this predicament and about a tyrant who grasped power with force and calls himself the Slum King. Then he says that Jack stood up to the Slum King and then he describes Jack as a monster with intelligent eyes. Seriously? Intelligent eyes? I see no fucking intelligence in his glowing eyes. He looks like he can barely say ,,Jack want peanuts”. And the worst part is that the narrator often reminds us of this remarkable quality of his eyes. So then they show a fight scene between Jack and the Slum King, but then a tsunami comes out of nowhere (literally), and sweeps Jack away, but leaves the Slum King conveniently where he stood. And naturally the Slum King feels that Jack survived and orders his right hand man to kill him. Turns out the right hand man is the Harem Bomber, or as the Americans dubbed it…Harlem Bomber. Do they think that the action takes place in New York? I don’t know but I would guess in that it takes place in Japan cause…THAT’S WERE THE NARRATOR TELLS US THE ACTION TAKES PLACE!!! So then they show a convoy delivering girls to the Bombers sex camp so they would be trained to become sex slaves. So you can see that Harem Bomber started all the retarded sex and rape scenes. But the convoy is attacked by Jack and most of the girls flee, except 2, who conveniently became friends. Turns out one came here to search for her boyfriend who is actually the commander of the Bombers royal forces. Wow…how sweet. So those two girls were captured and taken to the sex camp where the guy sees them and takes her and her friend and attempts to flee. In the mean time, Bomber sends his forces in some random town to kill everyone so that Jack will come out, since he is the protector of the people. So they start a fight with the population and everybody kills each other, including a kid nobody gives a fuck about, but they show him making a stupid remark about Jack and say that now he can finally be with his mom.

Good, just fucking die already, I don’t give a shit about you and your problems, I just want to get this over with. Then they show that the boyfriend claim responsibility for his actions cause he feels indebted to the Bomber. The Bomber gives him the task of killing Jack so that he would be forgiven. In the meantime Jack finally comes out and kills the thugs. Well if he is a protector of the weak, then why for fucks sake didn’t he come out when the thugs were mercilessly killing the innocent populace? He was hiding somewhere and hoping that everything will pass. What a giant pussy. Well at least now he is killing someone. So the boyfriend come and throws a knife at Jack and hits his eye, but Jack just smiles and walks away. Why? Is he a telepathic and knew why the boyfriend did it? Or was he stunned by the knife thrown at him? Or did he suddenly grow a merciful heart? Well anyway Jack finally goes to kill Bomber and the boyfriend goes to rescue his girlfriend. He rescues her, and in the meantime the girlfriend’s friend dies saying some stupid dramatic shit, and they go on the rooftop where there is a convenient chopper waiting for them. But Jack and Bomber are fighting there. As the two take off, Bomber pushes Jack over the edge, and he grabs the edge, but Bomber cuts his hand off, so the stupid bitch throws a rope to save the fucking gorilla despite the boyfriend’s warnings. Jack grabs the rope, destabilizes the chopper, grabs a giant antenna, and swings the chopper around and throws it at Bomber. What a FUCKING ASSHOLE!! Protector of the weak, yeah sure… PROTECTOR OF MY BALLS!! So naturally the boyfriend dies, yet the stupid bitch lives. That’s fucking fair, leave the dumb shits alive while those worthy to stay alive die. So Jack kills Bomber, then the building collapses, and of course it doesn’t kill the girl, then she wakes up, sees Jack turn into a bird and fly away. After that she stands up and runs after the bird, hopefully to kill it, and that's when the movie ends. But what perplexes me is that Jack turns into a bird… what is he? A fucking magician? Can he pull a rabbit out of a hat? Or more like a hat out of a rabbit!
In conclusion, this is the crap that started all of this mess with Jack. I don’t understand, if this one was so bad, why bother with a prequel? What I wanted, and I don’t know why, was to see how Jack fights to the death with the Slum King cause he is the actual number one villain here. Why show me all that useless stuff with Evil Town and Hell’s Wind? I don’t know, but I think Violence Jack is one of the biggest fuck ups in anime of the late ’80. It’s so bad that I actually would rather step on my own balls with disco shoes than watch this shit again.

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