Crystal Triangle

Alright, it’s time for more mind torture, and what better mind-rotting device than Crystal Triangle. If you want to know, Crystal Triangle is better than art of fighting. But that’s not saying much. That’s just saying this shit smells better than the previous shit, but it’s still shit. What I can say well about this one is that I won’t have to retell it, so I can review it, and point out its many flaws. But there are so many things to discuss which really make me wish I can do video reviews. 

First of let’s start with the plot. At first it seems like it could be something decent, you know, an archeologist looking for the hidden message of God. Now of the start you can clearly see the Indiana Jones inspiration. Archeologist looking for lost treasures. And he also looks like Indiana Jones, especially when he’s wearing a brown jacket and a hat. I know many people say that he looks like Jones, but I felt the need to say it again. The story is set in the year 198X. Yeah, no joke, and I didn’t forget the last number. It really is just X. What were they too lame to put the last number? If they wanted to hide the year, they shouldn’t have put a year at all. Instead it’s just 198X. Did they think that the ’80 would last forever? Wow… it gets soo mysterious, I’m hyped. As the movie starts this archeologist, Kimishiro, together with some bitch I didn’t bother to remember the name, find the temple which contains the key to Gods message. WOW… talking about not building tension. If it’s a hidden message, isn’t he supposed to look for it? Also, the moment he arrives, he gets attacked by some guerilla. The bitch says it’s the latest AK-47 model. What’s the difference? All AK-47’s are the same. If it’s a different model, well then… it’s not an AK-47. But guess in the year 198X they have different ,,types’’ of AK-47’s. So he shoots a conveniently placed stack of dynamites, find a car and runs away with the chick. So they go to an airport in the middle of nowhere, get on it, it gets hijacked by guerillas and then suddenly… he’s back home. Yeah… his 2 students thought he was dead and mourned his passing, but here he comes, alive and well. But how did he get here? Fucking figure out yourselves. So he still has the key to the message of God (the key is a cube), he goes to a laboratory, find some triangles inside the cube, cut that bastard up, and there you go, you have the triangles. So from there it gets weirder and weirder. Suddenly some guy who can control people and blast energy waves from his mouth appears, then we go see a temple where a priestess who tagged along with Kimishiro starts flying around, her eyes glowing red, and Kimishiro ironically asks ,,Hey Miyabi, are you possessed?”. It’s like ,,If you hadn’t figured out yourselves, then here’s a clue”. Then all of a sudden KGB and CIA (which is the chick you first see) enter the scene and blow shit up, then some Hib clan appears, which are all freaks by the way, then turns out the Hib are aliens, then it turns out there is a star that will destroy all life on Earth in a 26 million year cycle (why such a random number) called ,,The Evil Star”, then the guy discovers the Force, goes Jedi on the aliens ass, then they find the temple of the message of God which turns out to be a spaceship, then you go for 10 shots of Vodka. The story is soo dumb and I don’t know if it’s simple or overcomplicated. But now it’s time for me to tear this abomination apart. 

First off, what struck me as weird and unnecessary is the fact that some characters talk in English or Russian, but only when they feel like too. Let me explain. The voice actors are Japanese and they usually talk in Japanese. But for internationalism some speak in English, but it's because the characters they depict are not Japanese. And the Japanese characters understand what they are saying. But the Japanese characters talk back in Japanese. And those that try in eng understand the Japanese. So how about... JUST ALL TALK IN FUCKING JAPANESE. Not only it’s not necessary, it’s also ridiculous, cause note, I wrote ,,try” and not actually ,,speak” in English and most all, Russian. It sounds stupid, like for example, what’s supposed to sound like‘’What the hell has she done’’, sounds more like ‘’What the heal hiss he door”, and ‘’Excavation site’’ sound like ‘’Exclamation right’’. But the Russian is just… ungh. If you know Russian like I do, then you know that what they say doesn’t even come close to what it’s supposed to sound like. To me it sounds more like 2 rhinoceros that are mating. Second, there is an Ancient Language, which is the Language of Gods. Ok, so it’s like an ancient advanced civilization, all good… but here comes a line that’s so stupid, it BEGS an explanation… ,,Only professor Kimishiro can read this language IN THE ENTIRE WORLD”. WOW… what a weird revelation, and what a fucked up coincidence. If he is the only one, then who taught him? And if he taught himself, then why can’t other people do it? They were really going wild with cheap ideas. Next are all the weird, and sometimes useless references. I already talked about Indiana Jones’ influence, but there are other celebrities as well. But the most striking are Great Grandpa Rasputin (which is implied that the KGB member present is Rasputin’s grandson, which is fucked up), then comes God Jehova… now correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t Jesus the Son of God, and not… well, you know… GOD. And plus, why name him Jehova, the way the Jews named Jesus, it doesn’t make any sense. But the most notable reference, the one that steals the cake is this… ,,Nostradamus says that the word ,,Bow” refers to Japan”. No joke… this is a line straight from the movie. And don’t forget this we are talking about Ancient Language, so Nostradamus referred to Japan in Ancient Language. Wow… Nostradamus knew about Japan in his day and age, and not only that, he already referenced the word ,,bow” to it. Next is the fact that the Hib clan is all made out of aliens. Now they were really smoking crack. They want the Evil Star to destroy all life on Earth so they can rule it. Hmmmm… well that kind of defeats the purpose since they will be dead together with all life on Earth. Plus, the Evil Star, what does it remind you off? Let me give you a hint… it’s still a star, but starts with Death. Yeah you get the picture. There are so many references, and it’s nice to pay tribute to a franchise, but when you copy an idea, and make the movie shit, then you just fucked up. There are other things I would like to mention, but it’s already longer than it should be, so I’m just gonna finish with the message. A green little fuck which looks like a half-hatched larvae and has a squeaky annoying voice, says that the Earth has enough energy to destroy the Evil Star, but the humans need to work together to stop it, and make a better future. That’s it… that’s the whole message. Well if this is God’s message then all Hippies are Gods, my kinder garden teachers are Gods, I am a God, and my fucking pet cat is a God. And also, when that little green fuck dies, Miyabi says ,,God died, but his message lives”. Ok… so you’re saying that SACKLESS GREEN TESTICLE WAS GOD? You need to have a lot of balls to say that. And the ending sucks, cause it just shows Kimishiro getting his ass drunk.

So in conclusion, what can I say… STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM THIS MONSTROSITY.