Sunday, July 26, 2009

UFO Ultramaiden Valkyrie

OOOOOk… time to finish up with the Shit Marathon. I know I dragged it for a long time, but I had a bit of setbacks. At least I didn’t post anything else or watch anything else, so… you could still say I did a Marathon. Soon I will put these dreaded memories behind me, but now I think it’s time to dig in a big pile of shit. And I can say we certainly saved the worst for the last. What can I briefly say about it? Well let’s put it this way… if there would be a town called Retard-town, then UFO Ultramaiden would be the mayor, and FLCL and s-CRY-ed would be on the city council (more like the shitty council). 

From the start, I wasn’t expecting much, cause just by looking at the genre you can already guess that this is not my thing. But I could put up with this kind of stuff if it would make some sense. And… yes, it makes sense. If you would discard the freaks walking around, the stupid and cheesy explanations and the overall retarded and caveman-simple plot, then it would make sense why you are watching it. The setting is some kind of futuristic era, when humankind developed space-travel and interacts with a shit-load of many intergalactic fucker-nauts and astro-bastards. That would explain all the freaks walking around. But the plot (if you can call it that) revolves around Kazuto and Valkyrie. Val is the one you see on the image. Both of them. Confused? Well apparently when Val crashed into Kazuto’s bath-house, which he runs, Val killed him. So since she cares so much for total strangers (maybe some kind of fetish, I don’t know) she gives half her soul to Kazuto so he could live. Hmmm… ok, but does it heal injuries? If a giant ship crashed into my house and killed me, I would be more worried with the heavy injuries sustained, NOT ABOUT A HALF OF A SOUL WHICH DOESN’T DO JACK SHIT! But anyway, since she did that, now she has a connection with Kazuto. The only problem is that she turned into an 8 year old. So in order to change back to the way she was, she has to kiss Kazuto, and then she can also unleash her ridiculous amount of power. So now they both try to run the bath-house, and as the series progresses, more and more characters come along to join in. But the plot has NO consistency. It’s just a bunch of random stuff mashed together to form this anime. There is nothing linear, and there is nothing to keep you going really, cause frankly… nothing changes. Each episode is the same: no matter what happens during the episode, the ending is always the same. It’s like no matter what happens, nothing seems to influence any of the characters and any of the ,,story”. In conclusion, instead of a good plot they just have a bunch of shitty sub-plots. 

As I said before, this is the mayor of Retard-town. Everything makes no sense, and it’s so cheesy you’re wondering ,,Did those who made this ACTUALLY intended to release it?”. Seriously, I’m like ,,What were they thinking?”. How can one come up with this, it’s bad. Everything that happens, I presume it’s to be for comic relief, but the jokes are on you if you watch this piece of shit for comedy. Since they placed the setting in an intergalactic era and introduced a bunch of ridiculous aliens, then why not just put the shit-cherry on top. Everyone is over-reacting (if you could believe something like this in an anime), and doing ridiculously insane things. For example, a maid of Val thinks Kazuto is Val’s fiancé so she zaps every girl he interacts with. With what does she zap? A gun that transforms every human into a cat-like person. That is, the person who was zapped grows cat ears and a tail. Yeah, I’m stunned at the amount of originality. So this new breed must serve Val and Kazuto under the direct orders of the crazy maid. And crazy is really an understatement, she looks like she belongs in the Looney-bin (that is a place for people that think monsters live in their ass and that Mickey Mouse is actually real). So I can give hundreds of examples, but my point is the same. One recurring moment will be the moment they transform from child state into adult state. It takes for like 1 minute, and I understand showing it once, BUT WHY THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME. It’s not like something changes, it’s always THE SAME.

The cast is pretty standard, just one guy and a bunch of girls (some of which are aliens). Their personalities are simple and cliché. The guy is dense and can see that there are certain people who love him, there is a big-breasted girl which is Val’s sister and acts like an antagonist at first, but befriends everyone at the end, and the are enough girls to form love-triangles, but ,,unfortunately” one can’t express her feelings (obviously) and there is another who wants to express her feelings, but isn’t given the opportunity (or something like that). So these 2 act as rivals for Val, but all she cares about is being together with Kazuto and enjoy a care-free life full of love. How sweet. But even more ridiculous are the alien characters. If our galaxy really had such races living in it, then it’s one fucked-up galaxy. The male aliens look like they were drawn by a kinder-gardener. Some look like pink blobs, others are small white sackless balls, and… A GIANT BANANA WITH LEGS? Ok, but why do the female aliens look so sexy. You constantly get a nude view of them with their giant breasts, and the only difference between human females and alien females, is that the alien ones have only one animal feature like a dog tail, or cat ears or horns. What is this, the anime version of Doctor Munroe’s Island? 

The presentation is lame, but I didn’t expect much. They feel appropriate for 2002, so that’s kind of a compliment. Character models are simple for some and ridiculously colored and over-complex for others. Music is… shit. And the English dub, like for many (if not all) anime from this genre simply sucks. It’s like they didn’t even try, they just picked some amateurs of the street and said ,,Hey, want to do the voice work for a piece of crap” and the amateurs were like ,,Sure, yeah, have nothing better to do to waste my time”. 

In the end I was thinking for who it was intended. Little kids is out of the question, cause there is a fair amount of nudity. And a more mature audience is out of the question, cause it’s to retarded. It’s stupid, it’s so cute that it’s making me sick, and presentation sucks Pikachu’s anal fur. Overall, it’s a piece of shit, end of story.  

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