Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Tekken The Motion Picture

Oh boy… Tekken The Motion Picture. Now I want to go off the record and say I fucking love the Tekken franchise, but mostly because of Tekken 3, 4, and 5. But out of curiosity I read about 1 and 2 on Wiki. So the plot in the movie revolves around the first game, but as with any video-game based anime… THEY FUCKED UP.

To be fair, there are some things I actually enjoyed. And these are 2 scenes and the character Kazuya. First let’s talk about the scenes. The first shows Nina Williams fighting her sister Anna to end their eternal rivalry with blood. Then Anna mouths off as how some guy used Nina but actually loves Anna. Now in this moment Nina sees a miniature T-Rex camouflage himself like The Predator behind Anna and makes a terrified look. Anna thinks that it’s because something she said, but… oh no, here comes the T-fucking-REX. Anna screams like a banshee, but the T-Rex bites her head off. Well you don’t see what he bites, but you see a lot of blood. Now that… is awesome. I would say it’s the best scene in the movie, but here comes the second… Kazuya fights a T-Rex himself. Now here you clearly see that the producers are fans of King Kong. Remember when King Kong fights a T-Rex and beats the shit out of him? Remember how he ends the scene? He rips the T-Rex’s jaw off. Same thing happens here, only with more brutality. And… Kazuya. If it weren’t for him, I would even lose interest in mentioning these moments. He is the main hero, but the fact that he only wants revenge, made a pact with the Devil to do so, and kills anyone in his way (literally, he almost killed a girl) makes a real heartless bastard. It’s hard too sympathize with him, but you come to understand his reasons to kill his father, since his father is the one that threw him off a cliff and left him to die, only so Kazuya would get stronger by this act. But all that rescued Kazuya was his pact with the Devil. He has many sides to him, but I like his more evil side, so it was disappointing to see that his good side won. Not to mention it was kind of cliché.

But now to mention the things that fuck it up. First thing – the plot. It follows the 1st game, but only loosely. Instead of concentrating on the main plot, or making it a bit more mysterious, for those that never played or heard of Tekken, they just made some subplots nobody gives a shit about. After 20 minutes they decide to get rid of the main plot, like ,,Ohoho… main plots, we can’t stand them. Just… here, get rid of them, throw them down the toilet. Do you want some tea?”. Everything is given and explained right at that moment, and now all that’s left for the main plot is just to see Kazuya beat the shit out of his dad. But there, things just go way out of hand. Instead of following the plot of the games, in which Kazuya throws his father off a cliff and claim leadership of the Mishima Zaibatsu, instead we see Jun, a girl from Kazuya’s past, who also entered the Tournament talk him out of it. This scene reminds me of Star Wars. Kazuya is one that almost fell to the Dark Side, but Jun talks him back to the Light Side of the Force. What a persuasive Jedi. And not just this deviation from the already broken and weak plot makes this movie crap, but also these subplots of a cyborg that wants to save a little girl, a woman that wants to take revenge on Kazuya’s dad for burning her village, Nina and Anna’s rivalry, and I can’t recall other. But these subplots serve no purpose; they are just to show off some more characters. Now I said show off some characters, but they do a poor job at it. They show some important, like Kazuya, Jun, Heihachi and detective Lei Wulong, but why show me the cyborg, a sumo wrestler, that chick who wants to take revenge and… A BOXING KANGAROO? Now I can handle the cyborg and all, but what’s the deal with this animal? Were they trying to be funny? I know he is a character from the games, but he’s only there for comic relief. And that’s what he is here. Even Lei said ,,Is this some kind of joke?” I’m afraid it is my friend, but I’m not laughing. I wanted to see more of the favorites like Paul Phoenix, King and Yoshimitsu… but they only have a brief cameo. And I say show off some characters, but they do a poor job at this due to 2 critical flaws. One is that the character models are shit, and not just due to graphics. They just messed up the character. Since when does Lei wear traditional Chinese clothes and has blue hair? And I know that Kazuya has big eyebrows, but… THEY AREN'T SUPPOSED TO MAKE HIM LOOK LIKE A FRIGGIN’ OWL! And he is skinnier then how he should be. And the second flaw is the battles, which is the greatest offense to this movie. This is supposed to be an action based on a video game where a bunch of people beat the crap out of each other. So why do these battles last so fucking short? There is one part in which Lei says ,,Each fighter here can kill you in a second”. Too bad each battle lasts just as much. Lei really is a detective. And I say battle, but most are just one-side, if you know what I mean. It’s just one character delivering a punch, and that’s it. For example, there is a scene in which the cyborg can only enter the tournament, which now that I mention takes place on an island, but the only way he can enter, is if he defeats a guy named Bruce Irwing. Now we get the feeling this will be a good battle, since Bruce shows off as being the world champ at Tai boxing, but he only lands one punch, brakes his arm, and then the cyborg sends him flying in the ocean. And that’s the end of that, no more Bruce. What a waste of time. If they really wanted to cut short the main plot, then I would’ve settled for a small OVA, instead of a movie with all these stupid subplots. And as with all shitty anime, the ending is stupid. It shows Jin, our future hero, come up to his mother who is sitting under a tree and tells her he wants to finish reading a story. She agrees, and when she gets up the wind blows, and she stops, opens her eyes wide, and says ,,The wind has shifted” (yeah I know, it’s cliché). This gives you the impression that something is gonna happen, you wait for that to happen, but that’s like waiting for a flying ostrich shooting laser out off it’s ass. You only see some stupid forest animals looking and Jin and Jun going home. How cute ^^ (this is the first time in my life I use this smiley, and I have no idea why I mentioned this, and I’m sure you are probably reading this for a purpose, but I’m just messing with you).

In conclusion, Tekken The Motion Picture only further cements my point on how you shouldn’t bother with video-game based anime, cause they suck ass through a straw.

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